It’s hard to be a man
It’s so hard to be a man.
We’re told as men that we need to be hard. We as men often think the most manly thing to be is hard.
What I find for myself, my sons, my brothers, and the men I work with is that it’s so hard to be a man.
Most men I know really want to be a good man, husband, father, brother and friend to others. So often, the breakdown in these very relationships and the chief complaint from wives, partners, children, friends and family, is that men are emotionally unavailable or emotionally insensitive or emotionally volatile.
Typically, this is displayed in shutting down (freeze), pulling away (flight) and or blowing up and being aggressive (fight).
How did we get here? Why are we men this way?
There are so many intricate, layered messages about who we as men are supposed to be and how we’re supposed to feel and behave.
Be tough. Don’t cry. Try harder. Be harder. Be hard.
In reality, we’re so tender. It doesn’t take much to hurt us, and it doesn’t take much for our nervous system to overload and shut down. We scare really easily.
The truth is, we’re very sensitive. It’s evident in our anatomy. A simple knock across our nuts and we drop to the ground. It’s a plain and simple truth seen in every blooper reel: a little toddler swings a plastic bat into dad’s groin and down the big man goes.
This physical sensitivity is mirrored in the sensitivity of our self, our psyche and emotional structure. We’re so sensitive and we know it…and we often don’t know what to do with all that sensitivity! So we bury it, stuff it, try and be cool and “manly”.
Our sensitivity is a pivot point for humility or hardening. The same prompt, our sensitivity, can be the impetus for us to move towards tenderness and truth or towards hardness and hatred…hatred of self for being so sensitive. So we’re at odds with ourselves, making it hard to be ourselves.
It’s understandable why so many men learn and practice dismissing their own sensations, sensitivity and sensuality. Sure, it’s cool to be hard, but most of the time we’re soft, flaccid and just dangling out there with the potential of getting wacked. So much potential! However, we’ve often been given little to no guidance that helps us be the sensitive men that we be.
The flip side is, as we dismiss our sensitive selves, we begin to feel less than, we feel unfulfilled, empty, and not enough. Not big enough and strong enough and not making enough…the list goes on.
These two things are tied together: our sensitivity and not enough. Emptiness, a lack of fulfillment, this gnawing feeling of not being enough, and the dismissiveness of sensitivity. This makes it very very hard to be a man.
We men are desperate for a change. So let’s get to work in a way that doesn’t make it any more difficult to be ourselves.
We need to shift our awareness to understand the belief systems we grew up in that impact, shape and inform what we believe about ourselves as men.
We need simple practices that shift our awareness to our sensations and emotions - emotions which we experience through our sensations.
We need to do this with others, to normalize our sensitivity, which has been socially and culturally ridiculed.
All men know they’re sensitive. Acknowledging our deep sensitivities with kindness will humble us into our integrity and the truth of tender selves.
Not Enough
Often, men will say they aren’t enough. They aren’t doing enough, they aren’t making enough, they aren’t smart enough, fast enough, strong enough, rich enough, handsome enough.
They aren’t a good enough father, husband, son, employee, or friend.
Recently, a client of mine was going to do nothing intentionally for an afternoon…he worried he wouldn’t do enough of nothing. We were able to have a good laugh there, because once you begin to track the pattern and the underlying message of “you’re not enough”, it’s actually absurd.
But when you’re caught up in it…
It’s a living hell.
Caught up in the never-ending cycle of never being enough.
Enjoyment and satisfaction are fleeting.
Rest and relaxation are few and far between.
And there’s data all day long to reinforce the point that you are not enough. Compare yourself to this, that, him or her and you’re left feeling like you’re not enough.
Sometimes, even the dog or cat has it better.
Most men are enraged by this cycle. You give it everything you’ve got and still, you aren’t enough, it isn’t enough, they aren’t happy enough, nothing is enough.
There’s never enough sex, money, or power.
And “you’re not enough” is about more than just penis size.
There’s compensation everywhere in your life because of a shortfall. Not outside of you, in what you earn through your bank account or social status, but internally. A void, that when ignored grows as though begging for attention, and our impoverished culture can only feed the void junk that doesn’t satisfy and counsel that lacks wisdom.
If you’re sick and tired of the same damn loop and you’re ready for a course correction, my course work will help you. Here’s why I can help.
I’ve struggled.
I struggle.
I’ll struggle more.
But not like I used to. I used to run and hide. And I’m doing that less and less.
And more and more I’m finding depths of connection, intimacy, laughter, tears, courage, and playfulness that I’ve wanted my whole life.
Because, less and less I fight against my own emotional experience and more and more I’m wholeheartedly accepting the variety of life’s difficult offerings.
And I want to share with you what I’ve learned from my life, my own healing journey, my clinical experiences, and my education.
I’ve seen men as clients for over 15 years, and I know this to be true - we men need a lot of help. A lot. And it can be really, really difficult for us to ask for help.
My course, carefully crafted over time, has the potential to kick your ass in a new direction…with a rather welcoming, understanding approach.
I’ve zeroed in on the core elements needed for change, focusing on the most common trigger points and motivations important to men.
You want your life to work, your relationships to function and thrive, you want to be connected and feel alive and at ease with yourself and others.
I can help you get there.
Reach out today. Let’s get you moving in the right direction before you lose out on another day, week, month, or year cycling through the same old shitty patterns.
Let’s get to work, working for you.